


Objective Accounts

by orphan_account



Series: The Usual Crowd [3]
Category: Big Bang (Band), K-pop, VIXX, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alcohol, Breaking the Fourth Wall, M/M, Multi, Philosophy, Pining, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, drunk namjoon, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 16:51:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9616658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “No,” Namjoon whines, utterly gone, and Hakyeon rolls his eyes. “I’msadbecause I’mconfusedbecauseJoonmyunisJin.”Or, the one where Namjoon gets wasted and has an identity crisis which can't be contained by the fourth wall.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete shit written at 4 a.m. and I love it.

“Do you think we even exist beyond the confines of this joke?” Namjoon moans, and Hakyeon hums absently as he pats Namjoon’s hand. “Beyond this bar. Like. It’s the priest, the rabbi, and the pastor, except we’re all famous and _sad_.” Hakyeon’s brow furrows.

“We’re not all sad,” he objects, shooting a pointed glance toward where Jungsoo, Minjun, and Taeyeon seem to be gathering teams for a three-way flip cup match that can only end in a mess. “You’re sad because Joonmyun isn’t here.”

“ _No_ ,” Namjoon whines, utterly gone, and Hakyeon rolls his eyes. “I’m _sad_ because I’m _confused_ because _Joonmyun_ is _Jin_.”

Hakyeon has an early schedule tomorrow, so he’s regrettably sober and follows exactly none of Namjoon’s logic. He knows precisely three things about Kim Seokjin: (1) He’s close to Jaehwan, (2) he’s BTS’s group mom, and (3) he apparently has the personality of an easygoing soccer dad trope. Nevertheless, Hakyeon boldly persists, petting Namjoon with one hand while answering messages from Taekwoon with the other.

“And what even is this place,” Namjoon slurs, attempting to tip back a shot and spilling half of it on the bar as he refuses to lift his head. “Sometimes it’s a dark club and there’s a couch and Jinki has drugs. And sometimes it’s all…like. Classy? And sometimes there are beer pong tables?” Hakyeon’s phone chimes with a message from Taekwoon which says nothing but, _Miss you. Call me soon._ He ignores Namjoon’s continued pity party long enough to reply, _You kicked my ass so hard it literally left a bruise because I took your apple cinnamon rice cake. You miss indulging your sadistic streak._

From his left side, Namjoon is going on about how he used to be straight, goddamnit, and this entire industry is why that stupid Village People song about the U.S. Navy makes sense. _I also ate your ass for an hour and a half this morning,_ Hakyeon’s wife chimes in via text message, and it’s getting to be late enough that Hakyeon is strongly considering leaving Namjoon to fend for himself and going home to coax his favorite tsundere into cuddling him. _Because I love you_ , Taekwoon adds, and Hakyeon flags down the nearest free agent to replace him.

Jimin-from-AOA saunters over swilling something that looks both clear and potent in a plastic cup. “Whatcha need?” she asks, cutting her eyes over to Namjoon, who’s slumped over on the bar mumbling about LGBT identity within the rap game.

“He’s philosophizing and my wife needs me,” Hakyeon explains hastily, and Jimin’s face opens up in exasperation.

“Okay, but, like, it’s not my week to deal with the rappers.”

“But you _are_ a—“

Jimin holds up one finger as she takes a long pull on her straw. “ _I_ spent last Thursday sitting in the men’s room with Im Jaebum while he bitched about his _entire_ rap line between throwing up weed cookies. It’s not my turn.”

“ _And another thing!_ ” Namjoon chimes in from his continued position on the bar. “They keep saying I’m a misogynist! It begs the question! Did my _perceived_ misogyny spring from the industrial attitude, or did the industry spring from misogyny?”

“The latter,” Jimin says, deadpan, and then sighs at Hakyeon. “I’m going to yell,” she warns, and then promptly yells, “ _Jiyong! Jiyongie!_ ”

“Jiyong?” Hakyeon asks, raising an eyebrow. His phone vibrates again. _You had more Jagariko stashed under your bed. You don’t anymore_. The traitor.

Jimin shrugs as Jiyong makes his way over toward them, looking harassed. “It’s amazing who bends over for you once you use the word ‘motherfucking’ on live broadcast.” Jiyong finally reaches their little triad and Jimin says, “Hakyeon’s going home and Namjoon keeps trying to break the fourth wall. Handle it,” before leaving to join Taeyeon’s flip cup team.

Hakyeon bows out hurriedly and Jiyong is left with the disgraceful drunk that is Kim Namjoon. “ _Sunbaenim_ ,” Namjoon whimpers reverently, and Jiyong takes a long drag on his blunt.

“Kid,” he acknowledges. “Hear you’re in crisis.”

“You’re really attractive,” Namjoon manages, and Jiyong says, “Yeah,” and exhales his next hit into Namjoon’s face.

“’S good shit,” Namjoon groans reminiscently. “Hakyeon left.”

Jiyong hums in agreement. “Hakyeon is so _good_ ,” Namjoon continues. “We don’t deserve him. I used to be straight until I met him.”

“I held your drink while you blew Suho from EXO,” Jiyong counters, exhaling another hit of smoke. “What the shit, kid.”

Namjoon rolls his head back and forth on the bar like it will clear his head. “I was a rapper. Like a real rapper. _Obscenely_ straight. I covered Pharrell and everything. Hunchul was Eminem and I was, like…one of the ones that wasn’t Eminem. You’ve seen 8 Mile.” Jiyong lets Namjoon ramble with the fond exasperation of someone very stoned. “And then _he_ comes along and it’s like, oh, this is what we’re doing now? He’s probably got a dick. I’ve never seen it. He loves Taekwoon a lot.” A beat. “I think I’m deflecting.”

Jiyong’s rings click together as he starts rolling another joint in front of Namjoon’s face. “Oh?”

Namjoon closes his eyes. “Yeah. By all objective accounts I’m in love with Seokjin.” Jiyong presses his lips together, because he knows that name as _someone in BTS_ but for the life of him he can’t keep up with all these kids in all these hip-hop groups. He could barely keep Daesung’s hookups straight. (It’s funny because the last one was Jinki, and it was decidedly not straight. Jiyong giggles at himself as he lights up.) “You know, Plato, Plato says that love has no place in a perfect state. Or rather that there’s communal sex for the good of the state. Like Jinki and those four.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jiyong sees a cup of beer go flying. “Have you thought of _telling_ Seokjin?” Jiyong asks. “I understand the fourth wall thing. Hell, most of my songs are pop hits about self-loathing.” A pun occurs to Jiyong and he squashes it down. “Emin-RM and G-Dre” will have to wait for another day. Today is a day for sage advice, _sunbae_ to _hoobae_.

Namjoon is going to pass out any second, Jiyong knows. “Hey, kid, who’s taking you home?”

“Home?” Namjoon slurs. “Prob’ly Seokjin. He’ll be disappointed. But I held his hair when he drank himself blind over the Danger choreography, so he owes me.”

Jiyong holds out his hand for Namjoon’s phone and Namjoon passes it over obligingly. Jiyong holds his joint between his front teeth as he dials Seokjin ( _Jinnie-hyungie_ ) and relays Namjoon’s location and state of inebriation to an unimpressed _hoobae_.

“There,” he declares as Seokjin hangs up on him, and tucks Namjoon’s phone into the pocket of his black peacoat. “Now listen to _sunbae_.” Namjoon makes a concerted effort to lift his head and fails. “It will suck to tell Seokjin how you feel and how you figured that out. It will suck _a whole hell of a lot more_ if you don’t. Kid. The time flies. Before you know it, you’re gonna be working on solo stuff while he does his military time and he’ll leave without so much as a ‘good day.’”

Namjoon may or may not be listening, Jiyong grouches privately as he bundles Namjoon into Seokjin’s company car, arranging awkwardly long limbs in some semblance of a sitting position. Seokjin, to his eternal credit, doesn’t seem fazed that it’s _G-Dragon_ hefting his unconscious leader into the car. He merely thanks Jiyong and gives Namjoon a long-suffering look as Namjoon babbles about _alternate timelines and time isn’t_ linear _,_ hyung _, there are no right or wrong paths because the moral value of the path is the sum of the steps along it and that’s why GD is probably supposed to be with…_

**Author's Note:**

> yell at me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/slowlorisvevo) or [tumblr](http://rapjoonhyung.tumblr.com).


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